Picture if you will, the following scenario: you’re making dinner, alone, as your guest(s) have yet to arrive. The doorbell rings. Your hands are full of bologna and cheese, and you can’t answer the door. You yell, “Come on in!” This is America, right? So they come in. But it’s NOT your guest(s). It turns out to be an intruder! Possibly more than one!
What do you do? How would you protect yourself?
Sure, we’ve all seen the cartoons with a pan on the head, or the Jennifer Lopez movie where she has a razor sharp chef’s knife. But let’s get real! I want to be able to use any sort of ingredient or method to maim or (possibly) fatally injure an intruder. We always hear about how important preparation is for a successful meal, but I think being prepared for self-defense is just as important. Here’s some ideas I came up with for protecting yourself.
*In all of these examples, the intruder will be a man. This is because if it is a woman, just throw some chocolate or a cup of yogurt at her. Advertising tells me that this will be successful.*
Self-Defense Method #1:
Hot sauce. I recently made some hot sauce with a ridiculous amount of peppers. It’s pretty darn hot, folks. So it got me thinking, instead of awkwardly grabbing a knife (which would probably hurt myself more then the intruder), grab some hot sauce and THROW IT AT THE BAD GUY! If it’s really hot, it might burn their skin. However, you’ll want to aim directly for their eyes. It’s like a saucy mace.
Self-Defense Method #2:
Bread. According to the studies I’ve been doing on my own, everyone has a gluten intolerance these days. Give this a go: throw a piece of bread at the criminal. There’s a chance it might not work, but there’s also a chance it’ll give them a real bad tummy ache. That’s how gluten intolerances work, right?
Self-Defense Method #3:
Oil. As you hear an intruder, grab a bottle of oil from your pantry. Any kind will do, but go for the cheapest option. Now, pour it on the ground and watch the hilarity ensue! It’ll be quite the cartoon and lots of “Whoa Whoa Whoa” and arm movements. If you’re lucky, he’ll fall and knock himself out. Even if he doesn’t fall, it’ll still give you some time to make an escape.
Self-Defense Method #4:
Flour. If you happen to be baking when someone resembling the Unibomber breaks into your household, grab a large handful of flour. As soon as he approaches, you guessed it, throw it right in their face. They’ll be incapacitated for only a few seconds, but once again, it’ll give you some time to make a run for it.
Self-Defense Method #5:
Hospitality. I think this is the one that’ll really save your butt. As soon as an intruder comes in, there will probably be a lot of emotions flying and desperation in their eyes. Immediately offer them your “World Famous Blank-Blanks,” or your “Specialty Yadda-Yaddas.” Make them some tea with fresh cream and sugar cubes. Offer some cookies. Make them a hot meal. Maybe they just lost their job and they have no other option. Or maybe they’ve chosen a life of crime and don’t know any better. Perhaps they don’t really want to terrorize you or steal your jewels. Maybe they just want to talk and have someone listen. Surely your intruder will be grateful for your time, your comforting food and a listening ear. Send them on their way home with a fresh sandwich and a piece of fruit. As soon as they leave, triple lock your doors and windows, and immediately call the cops.
These are just a few suggestions on how to protect yourself from danger while working in the kitchen. Some of them might seem silly or ineffective, but you never know how you’ll react to a stranger coming into your home. The main things to remember: stay calm, stay assertive, and don’t overcook your chicken while you defend yourself.
What are some of your self-defense suggestions?